Mama told me that Daddy loved all children but told her Pat could wrap him around his little finger. I believe he felt strongly about Pat because of the miscarriage Mama went through a couple of years before Pat was born. Pat was 3-1/2 when Daddy died. He may have some vague memories of Daddy but most of what he knows can be attributed to Mama keeping Daddy part of our lives. We never forgot what a great man of stature and integrity he was. We always wanted to be children of whom Daddy would be proud. That wasn't a burden, it was an honor. We loved Daddy.
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| Pat ~ Christmas 1956 |
Mama and I finally cleared up our misunderstandings and I was back in touch. I married in the summer of 1973 and Pat was dating a girl named Debbie. I knew Mama wasn't crazy about her. Pat was supposed to be going to the Community College and the goal was to eventually head to a 4 year college or university. Debbie was not really college material. She was pretty rough around the edges. She came from a large family, not particularly educated, typically with names that were initials. He indeed wrote to me about her saying her name was Deborah Mae and how sweet he thought that was. He obviously was hormonal. Before you could blink, they were engaged. He told me they were going to be married in the summer of 1974 so that I could be there as well as a cousin of hers who was in the military and needed to arrange the time off. They really wanted us to be there.
That was their story until they suddenly decided to get married in March of 1974, four months early. He swore to Mama they were not pregnant. She always wanted to believe him but I know she doubted it. She begged him to not marry Debbie. He can say otherwise, however, once Mama and I resolved our misunderstanding, we were close. We talked all the time. The night of his marriage, we talked on the phone at length. She was in tears. She had hoped he would come to his senses. They married and within the first month announced they were expecting. Duh! Of course, Pat, ever the manipulator, reminded Mama she became pregnant on her honeymoon. No one bought his story, but he must have thought we did.
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| Mary Catherine ~ Pat Debbie ~ Carolyn July 1974 |
By this time Pat had grown a mustache. I never liked it. Oh well. I never liked it on Johnny, either. Danny could pull it off. Jim never tried. But I digress.
During this time, Johnny and Mama had not reconciled. They were estranged longer than Mama and I. I lived in the Chicago area, Johnny in California, Danny and Mama had conflict a lot, so Jim was the one in charge of her financial affairs. In December, Jim died suddenly. It sent a shock through Mama like nothing. Losing a child has to be the absolute worst loss for a parent. She then decided to put Pat in charge of her estate if anything happened. She believed it was the best decision. Johnny came home for Jim's funeral. It was such an incredible reunion for Mama and Johnny. It makes me cry as I write this. We all missed him so much. Everything healed between them.
We were overjoyed. Johnny eventually convinced his wife, Mary, to move to Dallas. She hated our family, the water, you name it. She was afraid we would make him a practicing Catholic. She was Christian Scientist. She made his life miserable and left him in Dallas, taking the children with her back to California. Side note on Mary and her religion. She did not go to the doctor appropriately during her pregnancy because of her religion. Johnny's only natural child was born nearly albino and with vision problems and many allergies.
When Mary left, Johnny remained in Dallas and lived with Mother and Mary Catherine. Pat was living in a house on Llano that mother had bought when Danny and Anita were first married. The place was not being cared for by Pat and Debbie. When I went there it was trash cans overflowing with dirty diapers, dishes all over. Remember, you are never too poor to buy a bar of soap. It was embarrassing to take my husband there. Jim had made the decision for Mama to buy an apartment building and she was living there. I will relate that part of the story under the Post for Brother No. 1.
Now that Johnny was there, Mother was going to change her executor to him. Mary Catherine was still a minor and she wanted to be sure provisions were made for her. Mother helped her children as best she could. It wasn't easy raising six children with no job for 21 years after Daddy died. Daddy had left her well provided for, but, you still have to manage it. With Pat, she would pay him to do work around the apartment complex. That way he could buy a washing machine or refrigerator etc. The problem was, he didn't finish things and she paid him in advance. It was unconscionable to me that he would use her this way. She was upset but Pat got by with things. She wanted to believe in him. He made Danny look like a saint in a lot of ways.
When Mama died in 1978, she had her will in her purse, still not getting to the attorney to change it. We, all, knew it and that includes Pat. Pat and his family moved a lot. It seemed like they were dodging creditors etc. In 1976 we spent Christmas in Dallas, Mother told Pat to tell Rich and me about his new job. He was going to have an office on Post Oak Road in Houston. He had previously told Mama he wasn't sure if she knew where that was. HELLOOO!! She lived in Houston. It's a main street. He built this up to her that he was going down to Houston to pick out furniture for his office. He schmoozed this up one side and down the other. When he finally got around to telling Rich and me what the job was, it took everything in me not to laugh in his face. He said he was going out to DFW (Regional Airport) to pick up diamond shipments in the early hours of the morning. I kept it together till Rich and I were alone and we both said, "Oh my God, he's working for the mob". What did he think he was doing??? But he served it up to Mama so he looked respectable. Then he just kept moving around and eventually was painting cars. Debbie told him he needed to get a real man's job. Johnny stopped by one day and found him painting without a mask. Johnny went to his car and got him one. Johnny was in sales for Tools etc.
When people move, things can get lost, etc. Johnny asked me to go to Pat's home after Mama's funeral and get her stuff. Johnny wanted a witness. He did this in a kind way and reminded Pat this is what Mother wanted. Pat just hung his head. Then Debbie spoke up and said, "If you turn that over to him, I will leave you". Mother's will only left stuff to Pat and Mary Catherine. The bulk went to Mary Catherine. She had a line in her will that stated to the effect, she left nothing to anyone else for reasons known to them. Here is why she left me nothing: She already gave me all her expensive and costume jewelry, I had several paintings of hers, 144 place setting silver flatware, 12 place setting china, vases, hand made table cloths, knick knacks. She already had given me things when she was alive. I wasn't expecting anything.
After Jim's death Mother had a codicil written up giving part of the sale of the apartment building to be divided among Jim's four children. When Sally moved to Plano and made it awkward for Mother to see her grandchildren, she had it removed. Sally had a copy but the date appeared to be altered to look as though it was still valid.
Eventually Pat just left with his family. He had taken Mother's estate and blown it. He likes to say he invested it and lost it. Sally took Mary Catherine to court to try to get her kid's 1/3 of the sale of the apartment building. We all sent letters to the judge that Mama wanted Johnny as Executor. Pat was gone. The money was gone. Mary Catherine was a mess and no inheritance to sustain her. She eventually moved to Houston in the early 1980's. Johnny moved back to California to be near his children. Mary had poisoned Johnny's kids against him. He felt like they didn't care if he was there or not so he moved back to the Dallas/Ft Worth area.
Sally stayed in touch a few times a year with letters about her kids. I sent them birthday and Christmas presents. She called as well and it always ended with "I know you know where Pat is." I did not. I still cared what happened to him. Sense of loyalty to Mama and Daddy probably made me feel that way. He had a daughter born in 1980 and that was the last time I spoke to him before he disappeared from Texas. In 1986, Danny died. I felt compelled to find someone who could reach Pat to let him know. I felt an obligation. Everyone else, including Johnny, said, "Don't bother". I owed it to Mama. I remembered Debbie's maiden name and where her family had lived. I looked up a name and it was one of her brothers. Told him Pat's brother had died, and could he give him the message. He said, "Why don't you call him, He's working at a shoe store in Memphis." So I looked up Stride Rite (don't remember if he told me that) and found one in Memphis in a mall. Called the number and asked to speak to Pat Conway. They said, "Just a minute". I had no clue what I was going to say next. When he answered I recognized his voice by how he said Hello and I said, rather haltingly: "Pat, this is your sister, Carolyn. Your brother Danny has died and we didn't know how to find you, you son of a bitch". He was shocked, obviously, and asked questions about Danny's death etc. Then he said, he was coming back for the funeral. Johnny said, "Tell me not to come because Sally will have the police at the airport and definitely not to bring Debbie". Johnny was one of the most honest and kind people I knew. That was saying something for him to say that. Pat said, "I'm coming and I am not coming without Debbie."
Pat stood there and played the martyr at the funeral. You would think he was now an only child. He acted as though he was the most important sibling and how he "loved his brother, Danny". During the time he was there for the funeral, I told him, "Pat, I am your last shot at being accepted by this family. I am the only one who cares. Everyone else gave up on you a long time ago. But, I am not going to lose sleep over you anymore. The ball is in your court. If you want to be a part of my life, you have to make the effort. I have tried. It's time for you to man-up".
He moved back to Dallas but whenever he called, he never asked me about my family. It was always a tale of how bad his life had been and how his luck was so bad etc. I would get off the phone depressed. He didn't care about me. You didn't want to say anything about how well your life was because he would have just resented it. So I just listened and waited for the call to be over. Then I would cry after I got off the phone. What a waste.
One day, I sent him a handwritten letter. I took it down to the library and photocopied it, so if he responded I would know what I wrote. He must not have thought that through because I got back a bunch of double talk etc. that he wrote as though he was quoting my letter. I looked at my letter and I had not said anything like that. Mother and I spoke at length about him and his irresponsible behavior. That's how it always was. Pat is not understood, people won't give him another chance, he really tried to do whatever. Same story, different day.
Our family health has been a concern ever since Daddy died at the age of 38. Jim was 32, Danny was 42 and Johnny 46. Pat evidently has had considerable heart problems over the years. I had reached the point where our daughter were teenagers, in college, and all he ever talked about was how rotten his life is and played the sympathy card on his heart. I was always the peace maker, but I had had enough, so I made up my mind that I was not going to be empathetic any more. I listened while he went on and on about how he had been dealt such a sorry card in life. He didn't know what he did to deserve this etc. So I rather coldly said, "And you are telling me this because?" His angry reply was, "I just thought with our family history, you might think it was important information. But you can just take your fucking perfect life and go straight to hell". He then slammed down the phone. I have not heard his voice since.
Now, my curiosity gets the best of me sometimes and I stalk him on facebook. Usually around something important like Father's Day or a parent's death anniversary. It's amazing the stuff he puts out there. He is delusional. My cousin, Marilyn, used to forward me emails he sent her. In those emails he would say how he made peace with his brothers before they died, and wished his sisters would one day find it in their hearts. blah, blah, blah. Now here I call 'liar, liar, pants on fire".
Jim died - was found dead - and had not made peace with Pat
Danny died unexpectedly and had no use for Pat - plus Pat had been missing in action for years.
Johnny died unexpectedly and Johnny could forgive just about anyone but Pat. Johnny and I were in close touch, Pat was not.
Last fall on our mother's death anniversary he posted that she had been dead for 37 years and now he was the age she was when she died. Not true. She was 62 and he didn't turn 62 until the following March (6 months later).
He talks about Daddy as though he had a long relationship with him and is like him. Heavens no. Nothing like Daddy. Still using our parents to get jobs.
He had never cared once to get in touch with my children. But he plays the great loving uncle to all the other kids, old school and church friends, etc. He and Debbie have remained married since 1974. Her FB page says sent went to Rice University. Really!?! Taking a class online or something - but she did not go to Rice. She couldn't afford it, it's in Houston, enough said.
I never told him to get out of my life. I never had a chance to respond to his F.U. He has made all the decisions in his life that have resulted in the life he has lead. I look to my brother, Johnny, as someone of integrity. I see integrity in my sister, Mary Catherine. I like to think I have integrity. That is a gift from our parents that a few of us accepted and have shown it in how we live our lives.
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